Eastern Religion & Philosophy

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

ZEN BUDDHISM: Shit is, and is not.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

BUDDHISM #2: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

Religions of The Book

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

CATHOLICISM #2: If shit happens, you deserve it.

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

ISLAM #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

ISLAM #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

Christianism

BORN AGAIN: Shit must be born again.

CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don’t work.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE #2: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor — pray!

CONGREGATIONALIST: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.

EPISCOPALIAN: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

FUNDAMENTALISM: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

FUNDAMENTALISM #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #2: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #3: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #4: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

LUTHERAN: If shit happens, don’t talk about it.

METHODIST: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

MORMONISM: God sent us this shit.

MORMONISM #2: This shit is going to happen again.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

PRESBYTARIAN: This shit was bound to happen.

QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.

UNITARIANISM #2: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.

UNITARIANISM #3: Come let us reason together about this shit.

New Age and Modern Sects

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens, rama rama.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

NEW AGE: Visualize shit not happening.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.

SCIENTOLOGY #2: If shit happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.

Other religions

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

IDOLISM: Let’s bronze this shit.

SATANISM: SNEPPAH TIHS.

THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

WICCAN: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

WICCAN #2: An it harm none, let shit happen.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

ZOROASTRIANISM #2: Shit happens half on the time.

Philosophy

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

AGNOSTICISM #2: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

AGNOSTICISM #3: Did someone shit?

ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!

ATHEISM #2: What shit?

CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn’t smell bad.

CHAUVINISM: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us…

DEISM: Shit just happens.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.

EXISTENTIALISM #2: What is shit, anyway?

FEMINISM: Men are shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

HEDONISM: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

NIHILISM #2: No shit.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

OPTIMISM: No way this shit will happen to me!

PESSIMISM: Shit happens to me all the time.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

Politics

CAPITALISM: That’s MY shit.

COMMUNISM: Equal shit happens to all people.

COMMUNISM #2: It’s everybody’s shit.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.

Others

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS: Shit happens — one day at a time!

COMMERCIALISM: Let’s package this shit.

CREATIONISM: God made all shit.

DARWINISM: This shit was once food.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

IMPRESSIONISM: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can’t discuss it during Lodge.

PRACTICAL: Deal with shit one day at a time.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.

RED CROSS: Shit happens – send money.

UTOPIANISM: This shit does not stink.

 

Compiled from the GNU Humor Collection and the Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List.