Eastern Religion & Philosophy
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.
ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
ZEN BUDDHISM: Shit is, and is not.
BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
BUDDHISM #2: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.
SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
Religions of The Book
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
CATHOLICISM #2: If shit happens, you deserve it.
JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
ISLAM #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
ISLAM #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
BORN AGAIN: Shit must be born again.
CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don’t work.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE #2: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor — pray!
CONGREGATIONALIST: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
EPISCOPALIAN: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
FUNDAMENTALISM: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
FUNDAMENTALISM #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #2: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #3: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES #4: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
LUTHERAN: If shit happens, don’t talk about it.
METHODIST: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
MORMONISM: God sent us this shit.
MORMONISM #2: This shit is going to happen again.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
PRESBYTARIAN: This shit was bound to happen.
QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.
UNITARIANISM #2: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
UNITARIANISM #3: Come let us reason together about this shit.
New Age and Modern Sects
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.
HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens, rama rama.
MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
NEW AGE: Visualize shit not happening.
SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.
SCIENTOLOGY #2: If shit happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.
AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
IDOLISM: Let’s bronze this shit.
SATANISM: SNEPPAH TIHS.
THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.
VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
WICCAN: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
WICCAN #2: An it harm none, let shit happen.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
ZOROASTRIANISM #2: Shit happens half on the time.
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
AGNOSTICISM #2: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
AGNOSTICISM #3: Did someone shit?
ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!
ATHEISM #2: What shit?
CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn’t smell bad.
CHAUVINISM: We may be shit, but you can’t live without us…
DEISM: Shit just happens.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
EXISTENTIALISM #2: What is shit, anyway?
FEMINISM: Men are shit.
FORTEANISM: No shit??
HEDONISM: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
NIHILISM #2: No shit.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
OPTIMISM: No way this shit will happen to me!
PESSIMISM: Shit happens to me all the time.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
CAPITALISM: That’s MY shit.
COMMUNISM: Equal shit happens to all people.
COMMUNISM #2: It’s everybody’s shit.
FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS: Shit happens — one day at a time!
COMMERCIALISM: Let’s package this shit.
CREATIONISM: God made all shit.
DARWINISM: This shit was once food.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
IMPRESSIONISM: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can’t discuss it during Lodge.
PRACTICAL: Deal with shit one day at a time.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.
RED CROSS: Shit happens – send money.
UTOPIANISM: This shit does not stink.