Contributed by Don Ramón Carlos Vergagrande Saavedra de Cid y Cid
You know you are Portuguese if:
1. You have a mother or grandmother with Maria in her name.
2. You are a man, and your name is Manuel, José, António, or João.
3. Your grandparents live in a village, and you visit them every weekend.
4. If you live in a city, you spend your Sunday at the shopping center.
5. You go to Fátima at least once a year. If you are a woman you might go on your knees (not the whole way of course, but just across that enormous square in front of the basilica).
6. You come home from France in August but pass through Spain without stopping even to get a bite to eat. After all, the Spaniards could put poison in the food.
9. You say “prontos” after every sentence, like the Americans say “you know”. If you are from the Azores, especially from the island of São Miguel, when you speak, no one on the mainland understands a word you are saying.
10. You are a smoker, and you light up at a restaurant caring not a damn whether the smoke bothers the other customers. You even blow the smoke in the direction of the others, so you won’t have to breathe it in.
11. You warn other drivers of police on the highway by flashing your lights, even though one of the drivers might have just robbed a bank or be a dangerous terrorist from ETA/IRA/ISIS/Hamas.
12. You baptize your child and send him to catechism even though you never go to church except for weddings and funerals.
13. You say you are not a racist but draw the line when it comes to gypsies.
14. You think all university graduates should be called “Doutor” and like to be called so if you are one of the chosen few who have managed to finish college. If you are a university student your classmates will call you “doutor” even though you are still in the last year.
15. You park on the sidewalk, when necessary, even asking the person standing there to please move away.
16. You have a mobile phone and spend a small fortune on it but think twice about going to the dentist.
17. You have a mother or grandmother who wears black.
18. You spend your holidays in Spain instead of in Portugal. After all, it’s cheaper. But you don’t drink their coffee if you can help it, and you certainly would never try their wine.
19. If you are a woman, you have been to a “curandeiro” (healer) or have had your fortune told.
20. You sing “Apita o Combóio” when you are on a tour bus.
21. You wouldn’t be caught dead buying Spanish olive oil even though most of the olive oil consumed in Portugal comes from Spain.
22. You laugh at jokes about the Alentejanos but get angry to know that the same jokes are told in Brazil about you.
23. You love the sound of a firecracker exploding outside your window. If it is a rocket on Sunday morning, it is even more exciting.
24. You think that you can catch a cold with the slightest breeze or by sitting in the spring sun. Cold drinks can also bring on the dreadful “gripe” (the ‘flu).
25. You get a letter from your doctor saying you can’t work because of an “unspecified, ongoing medical condition” and immediately go on a two-week holiday.
26. Your child’s teacher misses two weeks (because of a letter from his or her doctor) and you don’t complain because you also will use the same doctor when you have to miss two weeks from your work.
27. You despise most politicians and think they are all crooks (in fact, many are).
28. You complain about how bad the local government is but wouldn’t think of going to a town meeting to complain publicly.
29. If you are from Porto, you don’t like Lisbon, and vice versa.
30. You think Brazilians speak incorrect Portuguese but think their accent is “meigo” (soft, loving).
I got inspiration for the above from If You’re Brazilian, which is one of a series including American and French.
If you feel that I have been unfair, please go to The Good News — The Portuguese Culture Web
(anonymous; note that the link is gone eons ago)
